By The Self Development Coach, Johnny Lawrence.
There have been countless moments in our lives when it has felt like a voice in our heads was willing us to fail. It can feel as if our mind chatter becomes so loud that it can feel as if we are deliberately trying to sabotage ourselves. There is a term for this, and it's called our ‘inner Critic’. This psychological concept describes an individual’s negative self-evaluation using judgement and criticism, presenting as experiencing a harsh inner voice with a demanding tone whose’ objective seems to be to convince us that we are inadequate, wrong or bad. This consequently can lead us to the conclusion of self-sabotage. First, I would like to offer my thoughts on self-sabotage. I have decided that I do not believe in self-sabotage, and here are my reasons. When aspiring to achieve something, I cannot think of anything more unhelpful than believing that you have or are a self-saboteur. Believing this means that you are entirely at the mercy of this fictional saboteur and that your only option is to helplessly wait in the hope that they don’t show up. Worse still, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy with so much influence that it causes you to practice self-sabotage.
The Evidence of Our Failures
What if I told you I didn’t believe it was self-sabotage and that it was your only known way of self-soothing instead? How would that change things? Our ego feels its job is to protect us, and its chosen method moves us away from discomfort and towards what is comfortable. People tend to seek comfort in what is familiar; therefore, what is unfamiliar can make us uncomfortable. When we desire to change our lives, things start to feel and become different, and this difference is unfamiliar, and we can begin to feel uncomfortable. At this point, our ego recognises this and immediately gravitates towards what is familiar so that we feel comfortable once again.
An example might be if we are trying to lose weight. We may have been overweight for some time, during that time, it has become familiar and, therefore, comfortable. We know how to be overweight, and although we do not want to be, it has become familiar and, therefore, comfortable. Once we begin to lose weight, we might need to buy new clothes, we might receive compliments, the food we eat is different, and we have built different habits, all unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
Self-Sabotage Vs Self-Soothing
This is where our ego speaks up using the only language we will understand at that time. It uses our inner fears and insecurities to lead us back to old but familiar behaviour so that we can feel comfortable again. Once this happens, we call it self-sabotage and use this as future evidence that we cannot lose weight and always sabotage ourselves. This is not helpful. This is why I believe that if we acknowledge that we are not self-sabotaging but are self-soothing, this can allow us to find another way to soothe ourselves without resulting in going back to old and unhelpful behaviours. I recognise this is easier said than done, and you may be hoping I can tell you how to soothe yourself. However, the only person who will know what works is you, and I hope that now I have made you aware of it, you can start developing strategies to help you soothe yourself without sabotaging your progress. That said, we may have to find ways to manage our relationship with our ego and for that, here are some things you might like to consider.
Being Judgemental
Most of us judge others how we judge ourselves. If you find yourself being quick to judge others, then it's no surprise that this is how you might judge yourself. What if you tried practising compassion and empathy with concern for others? If you practised catching yourself when you are being judgemental and instead reinforced being non-judgemental, it would train your inner critic to do the same with yourself.
Make friends with it.
What if you treated your inner critic like an old friend who only tried to help instead of getting cross with yourself and calling yourself names? If you ignored a friend or told them to shut up, it would be no surprise if that friend became resentful and difficult. What if you listened to your inner critic, chose to show gratitude for its attempts to keep you safe, and reverted to trusting your better judgment? This allows your fears to be heard and collects evidence that you make the decisions around here.
Speak to Your Inner Child
Whether you are a parent or not, we all agree that we speak with greater kindness and support toward children. We naturally acknowledge that children need nurturing with kind words and actions rather than being told harsh truths, criticisms and judgements. What if you adopted this same approach? You wouldn’t dream of speaking this way to a child; it would be cruel, hurtful, and damaging. If you would not say those words to a child, what makes you think they would be any more helpful to you?
What do you like about yourself?
If you practice something long enough, you can become very good at it. You have become an expert at criticising yourself. Why not try complimenting yourself? “I may not be good with computers, but I’m a great gardener”. “I’m not a keen cook, but I am an awesome driver”. “I’m not great at maths but love reading”. We all have things we are good at and have stuff we need to work on, which is to be expected. Where we place our focus grows. Why not focus on what you feel you are good at instead of what you think you are not? Why not build confidence by practising and improving on what needs work? What impact could that have?
Identify the root of the criticism.
There's a saying, “There’s no smoke without fire”. We know our inner critic can be harsh, unkind and a bit judgey! But occasionally, criticisms have grown from the root of something that needs your attention. Inner critics can nag on you because they want you to act. Try focusing on what you are neglecting and act in those areas. Finding that something is not how you would like it to be doesn’t mean it can’t be that way, but you may need to pay extra attention to it, change strategy or upskill. These are doable and possible if you pay attention and stay focused on solutions.
Is this your inner critic, or is this a limiting belief?
This is an important question to ask yourself, as it will likely decide your following actions. If this criticism hasn’t grown from a root, but this root is not based on truth, then it could be a limiting belief that needs challenging. This may be something you adopted from someone during your early developmental stages, and due to time and practice, you have turned this changeable belief into an unchangeable fact. Facts cannot change. Beliefs can, but not without being challenged, and it’s often best to seek support from a coach, as limiting beliefs have a clever way of changing shape to fit the limiting narratives that gave birth to them.
Finally
Our inner critic and mind chatter can be a powerful detractor and must be taken seriously when there are life goals we wish to achieve. We get one shot at life, and the idea of sitting back when we are ninety years old, wishing we would have tried, is a reality that might feel impossible to accept. Suppose we practice identifying when the things we aspire towards start becoming uncomfortable. In that case, we allow ourselves to prevent moving toward what's familiar and self-sabotage and recognise it as an opportunity to discover new ways to self-soothe and build ourselves up instead of tearing ourselves down. We can practice making friends with our inner critics by offering a new way of communicating without the judgements learned from the critiques of others. Instead, we can speak kindly to ourselves like vulnerable children. We could collect helpful evidence from what we are good at and what has gone well. We could be brave enough to face our fears, accept the areas that need improvement, and start working hard to find solutions and improve them. Finally, we can commit to acquiring a coach to help us challenge the deep limiting belief systems that have taken deep root in our souls so that we can finally free ourselves and move towards the life we want and likely deserve.
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