How I Knew Perfectionism was Controlling My Life.

By The Self Development Coach, Johnny Lawrence.

I have a confession to make. I once lived as a perfectionist. Perfectionism is a mindset in which a person refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. At first, I thought it was a good thing. But after further contemplation, I realised that perfectionism had been slowly eroding my self-confidence, self-trust, self-esteem and self-respect. I was continually setting impossible goals and punishing myself for failing. It sounds ridiculous now, but I have been practising it my whole life and must be mindful not to do it again. I can only speak from personal experience, but these are the traits I identified that caused me the most issues.

I was continually adopting an all-or-nothing attitude.

This attitude disguised itself as a winning attitude. I had sold myself the idea that I was putting 100% into what I did and wasn’t entertaining failure. I must be successful by working when my competition is resting, always going that extra mile and sacrificing everything to achieve my goal. The truth is, I was selling myself a lie and then buying it. In the end, perfectionists will accept nothing less than perfection. This is impossible, and the best that can be hoped for is "Almost perfect". Unfortunately, a perfectionist will see that as a failure.

I was finding myself in procrastination cycles.

Believe it or not, procrastination was a massive part of my perfectionism. I would get so bogged down with the possibility of failure that I would freeze. I would keep scraping good pieces of work by holding on to the idea that I could get it perfect. When I could not achieve this idea of perfection, my productivity would diminish, and I would procrastinate. Furthermore, the procrastination would fuel further feelings of failure, perpetuating a cycle of paralysation.

I was consistently setting unrealistic expectations and standards.

No matter what I was embarking on, my question was always, “Who is the best in the world at this?”. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I considered them my competition. It's okay to be ambitious; striving for excellence and wanting to be the best is OK. But, when you take someone who is the best in the world and make them your competition, you disregard context and set yourself up for repeatedly experiencing failure in some shape or form. Becoming the best in the world often involves many unique combinations of talent, skill, time and luck. So, to compare yourself under those criteria, compare apples and oranges. What if I had focused on my self-development?

I became overly invested in the outcome.

This was a massive one for me. I never allowed myself to enjoy the process. I was always working and striving to move closer to my goal. People will tell you that’s a trait of a successful person. The truth is I found it to be unsustainable. I would never stop obsessing over the outcome, even if I could no longer influence it. “Fancy coming to the beach Dad?” “Sorry, son, I’m working.” But I meant that I anxiously worried about an outcome I couldn’t control. All you can do is recognise and accept that when you have done all you can, the rest is in someone else's hands. This is true freedom.

I regularly experienced a gut-wrenching fear of failure.

My overwhelming fear of failure unpins and is the catalyst and foundation for my perfectionism. My utter catastrophising of what would happen if I failed was debilitating and has always been the driving force for everything to be perfect. Childhood trauma instilled a fear of failure in me, which meant that the consequences of failure were often physical and psychological violence. It doesn't have to be trauma-motivated for everyone. It's not something you choose to do, but becoming aware can free you of this insanely crippling way of existing.

I was feeding and nurturing a low self-esteem mindset.

I believed that anything less than perfection was a failure. I allowed fear of failure to result in procrastination. I unknowingly set myself up for failure and became overly invested in an outcome out of my control. These traits of perfectionism constantly eroded my confidence, esteem, and respect for myself by trapping me in an unhelpful cycle of circumstantial evidence that I was a failure. As I continued to internalise my collection of evidence of my perceived failures, I found it progressively more challenging to trust and believe in myself. This just added to the problem; therefore, I felt trapped in a cycle of negative growth.

What have I learned about perfectionism?

For me, a helpful solution was acceptance. I accepted that my best was good enough and that failure is an exact science that offers feedback showing me where I am concerning my goals and comes with learning and growth. Once I have done all I can to influence an outcome, I must surrender and detach from it. Perfectionism is a form of self-oppression. It remains an everyday practice, and over time, I have identified that my version of perfectionism manifested as a shift in focus from desiring success to an intense need to avoid failure. This means that I was attempting to avoid failure instead of aiming to achieve perfection. My path to recovery was becoming aware and acknowledging that I was not a perfectionist; I had an irrational fear of failure. I now practice recognising that I can worry about failure in some situations, and dealing with that by practising perfectionism is not the solution. I now focus on the helpful evidence and facts to work towards the outcome that I want to achieve and break my strategy down into the most miniature goals manageable. This casts a symbolic vote for the person I’m working to become and does not nurture and feed my unproven fears. Every person you admire has failed. If you want to be in their position one day, you must fail, too. The difference is realising that failure is not an ending; it’s the beginning of the next phase of your self-development.