By The Self Development Coach, Johnny Lawrence.
If you have been following my work, you will likely be aware that I have experienced a very traumatic childhood. I was a witness to domestic abuse and a survivor of physical child abuse, and what I later accepted, as an adult who had attended therapy, to be forms of emotional and physical torture. I will state clearly, as on occasion it’s assumed, that I never experienced any form of sexual abuse.
What is Domestic Abuse?
The Domestic Abuse Act of 2021 defines domestic abuse as consisting of any of the following: physical abuse, sexual abuse, violent or threatening behaviour, controlling or coercive behaviour, economic abuse and psychological, emotional or other abuse. It also states that this is where the victim and perpetrator(s) are aged 16 or over and are “personally connected” to each other. It does not matter whether the behaviour consists of a single incident or a course of conduct. In a world where definitions are often murky and easily misunderstood, I felt it was essential to make a clear definition. Watching my mother live in fear, be controlled, and be physically beaten by the person who traditionally, within a household, is looked to as the protector was a life-warping ordeal. My childhood was defined by three environmental factors. At school, I was bullied and was malnourished due to us being a low-income family. This resulted in me not being athletic and not being picked for sports. I did not know it then, but I am also dyslexic; therefore, I was never considered academic and was frequently told by my teachers and father that I was stupid. In the wider world, I was too black for white people and too white for black people and was labelled ‘half cast’, which is a term I loathe. Then, at home, I lived in fear as my father was abusive in almost every way.
A snippet of my suffering
I allowed this challenging start to life to understandably define the early stages of my adolescent, teen and young adult life. I believed I was a weak and fearful person who didn’t deserve to be liked, loved or respected. This belief translated into my ability to form friendships and romantic relationships and to be seen as employable. Yet, now, many would define me as a successful person known for speaking and writing with power. How is this possible? I used to lay in bed crying myself to sleep, pleading with God to rescue me and my family. From an early age, I learned to recognise the distinctive footsteps of my father when he was walking up the stairs. I recall incidents of bed wetting because I was terrified that he might make good on his promise to hurt me later. The level of emotional and psychological abuse was esteem-destroying and robbed me of the expected innocence that a child naturally has. These experiences gave me an understanding of what evil is from a disturbingly young age. With this knowledge, I feared for my younger siblings and unknowingly took on the responsibility of protecting them. This was a difficult mindset to comprehend as I frequently felt as if I failed to protect them as I would see them hurt by my father's unpredictable violent outbursts of rage.
If Only I Could.
Through therapy, I have learned some helpful perspectives I wish I could have told my younger self. As a child, I believed with every fibre that it was me that was the problem and if I could only work out what I was doing wrong, if I could only know what it was that he wanted me to do, that it would all be okay. I believed it was my fault. I felt resented, blamed and held responsible for whatever it was that was causing him to behave the way he did. It was my fault, and therefore, every time he hurt my mother, my brothers and my sister, that was my fault too. I came to learn that this was not true. That I was not responsible for his behaviour and that I was not a weak and fearful person. I am brave because you cannot be brave without first feeling fear. I cannot go back in time and change the past. My only practice is to accept what has happened. This is very difficult to do and is a constant practice. You may have heard me say acceptance is not a ‘doing’ word. To truly accept is to sit in the uncomfortableness of doing nothing. So, I cannot change my past, but perhaps I can offer some wisdom. The wisdom that, if I had been told at an early age, would have provided me with a level of comfort and one of the greatest gifts of all: hope.
It is not your fault.
As a child who adopts the belief that a violent parent is because you are the problem, it can create powerful and seemingly unchangeable belief systems that will unknowingly guide your decisions, potential and capability in life. If we look at our parents as our trainers. They are there to teach, guide, support, discipline and encourage us to become the best version of ourselves that we can be. Don’t get me wrong, as a father of two boys, I am more than aware of how difficult it is to be a parent. We all make parenting mistakes, have regrets, and constantly worry about getting it right. That, I believe, is normal. As for discipline, I merely mean implementing boundaries and reasonable consequences that teach us how to play well with others and be a good human. Good parenting or being a good trainer is not about violence. It's not about rage, not about installing fear. It is not a systematic destruction of a developing human. If I could sit with my younger self, I would offer the biggest cuddle from a man to a boy and say, “It is not your fault. You are not the problem.” To have felt the safety of a male hug and to be told with authority that I was not the problem might have changed the way I viewed myself and my place in the world. It is not your fault. It never has been and never will be your fault. You were a child who had their trust abused. You were let down, and you deserved better. This is the truth, and the truth is a stable place on which to build a life.
You are not weak.
Adversity is a key ingredient in any success story. If you are experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse or abuse of any kind, then you have had more than your share of adversity. Yet, you think that makes you weak. You are still here. You are resilient. You are strong. You are a survivor. That matters. Now, I’m not always a fan of the word resilience. It can sometimes feel like a word others often use to describe someone surviving something horrendous. But, you do not feel like you’ve survived. You may feel broken, sad, outcast and weak. But you are not. Your pain is proof that you are none of those things. There is a term called anti-fragility. It means you go through adversity and not just survive but become stronger. Just as you would go to the gym and break down the muscle fibres so that they can rebuild stronger, this is what has happened to you. Your pain and fear have been the ingredients for you to be strong, adaptable and brave. Adversity has broken down the moral fibres of your being, and it is those things that have developed skills that leaders hope to learn over a weekend training camp. You have been tested. You have survived. You are not weak. You are strong. You are brave. Adversity is a key ingredient to any success story. Use it. You only know you are strong when you are carrying something heavy.
It will get better
When you are a child that is experiencing domestic abuse, it feels like a life sentence. You cannot believe or imagine your life without fear. You feel controlled, dominated and terrified about everything. You don’t trust anyone. You are riddled with paranoia, and you cannot imagine yourself in the future, which can lead to reckless behaviour and unhelpful decisions. You feel dominated by fear. The sense of helplessness, blame and anger is all-consuming. You escape away into your mind palace and live in a fantasy. I was in love with television shows, specifically, professional wrestling, as it allowed me to escape and play make-believe and live in an imaginary world that felt real for a short time. Listen, it will not always be this way. What we focus on grows stronger. Although it will feel impossible, focus on education. Focus on health. Focus on practising being the person that you need. You are incredible. You are capable. You will become a remarkable adult who can lead a stable life. Continue to be tough. Continue to care for the people you love. Continue to learn from those you admire and respect. Kindness is real. Trust is real, and you deserve the life that you may currently think is a dream. You were a helpless child, but you are not hopeless. Regardless of your culture, gender or economic status, you can achieve success. Don’t give up on yourself. I know it's hard, and it would be easy to open up the gates of hell and join them. Do not abandon yourself. Instead, stay strong and practice being who you are because you are remarkable and strong. You have been forged by adversity and tested on the ultimate testing ground and have no more to prove to anyone, including yourself. You can become a beacon of hope for others. What if you used your fear as fuel, your experiences as lessons and your love as your character? It can and will get better. Do not allow your past to dictate your future.
In closing
I realise that these words may feel hollow. They are not able to take away the pain or change what has happened. They can not keep you safe, and they may feel disconnected. However, when you are living in a wishing well of darkness and despair, it can feel cold, lonely and hopeless. I want you to receive my words as if I’m standing at the top of the well. I’m shouting down to you, letting you know that I know that you’re there. That there is hope. That there can be a time when you feel safe again. That you have survived something unbearable and bared it. That you have experienced the worst of humanity and are still here. You and your experiences are the evidence you need while being patient at the bottom of the well. You will climb. You will strive, and you will one day be free. I turned my dyslexia into a degree my malnutrition into a professional wrestler, a powerlifter and a fitness professional. I have built a reputation as an expert in self-development by delivering education via public speaking, podcasts, and, soon, a book. This is not a humble brag but evidence that I offer you hope when it feels hopeless, that you can be okay and that life can be different.
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